Oklahoma (the musical)

For Hells Bells

I have recently come to a shocking conclusion. Some people don't like musicals. I think it must be some kind of birth defect, and that the government isn't investing enough time or money into discovering a cure.
However.
In the mean time, people (with this affliction) are missing out on some truly spectacular story lines, so I am condensing one of my favourite musicals into a song-free summary.

Oklahoma

ACT ONE

This musical is set in (surprise surprise) the state of Oklahoma in 1906. The first scene introduces us to the cowboy Curly (or 'handsome Curly' for ease of recognition). Handsome Curly is a strapping young man blessed with the early American ideals of good looks. He is sweet on (Lusty) Laurie, a farm girl with blond hair and blue eyes. Think of them as a kind of Barbie and Ken set which comes with a plastic horse and toy farm, destined to live in pastel-coloured joy together forever.

A 'box social' (or ye olde country fair) is to be held that night which is big news for all the barbie and ken like characters. The highlight of the event will be a fundraiser for the school which involves the local women folk making up some wholesome picnic hampers, to be auctioned off to the men (and of course you get the lucky lady as well, who else is going to feed you pickles and clean up the mess afterwards?).

Handsome Curly asks Lusty Laurie to the dance, but her plastic welded loins are full of flirtation, so she says no despite being totally hot for him.

Enter stage right - Jud Fry (Ugly Jud) - Lusty Lauries family's poor farmhand. Ugly Jud is the dodgey made-in-Taiwan-want-to-be-ken. The one that doesn't look quite right and is always relegated to the bottom of the toy box, or used in 'learning about fire' experiments. Jud also has a crush on Lusty Laurie so he asks her to go to the box social. To his surprise and delight she says yes, making him believe all his christmases have come at once. What he doesn't understand is that this is just a ploy by Lusty Laurie to make Handsome Curly jealous and therefore even more eager to play mummy-daddy with her.

Now we have a change of scene and some fresh faces to add into the mix.

Will (McBrains) has the actual intelligence of a Ken doll, and is returning from Kansas city where he has 'won' $50 at a 'fair' (read - stripping for money. After all this is my version of events). He is feeling triumphant about claiming the hand of his beloved Barbie, Ado (Flirtalot). Her father has ruled that no man can marry her without possessing at least $50 (that's right folks, she is worth $50 to her father. Ouch). Unfortunately Will McBrains realizes that he has spent that $50 on trinkets for Ado Flirtalot, meaning he is back to square one re marriage.

Maybe this isn't such a bad thing, because I have added 'Flirtalot' to Ado's name for a reason. She admits to Will McBrains that she has been 'spending time' with Ali Hakim ('Token Ali' the dodgey Persian peddler). Will McBrains rubs his two brain cells together and comes up with an ultimatum - she must choose between them. Unfortunately for him, Ado Flirtalot proceeds (through the power of song) to explain 'I can't say no', and then details various examples of how easy she is. This song alone is a reason to convert to musicals!

Later that day (trust me it's a looooong day) Token Hakim and Ado Flirtalot are busted 'getting cosy' (a scandalous first base moment) by her father. He does the logical thing and reaches for the nearest rifle to assist him in explaining to Token Hakim that he has now won himself the pleasure of Ado Flirtalot's company for life. Token Hakim had only wished for momentary coupling with Ado Flirtalot and therefore takes this news badly (and of course sings about it).

Now.

Let's return to handsome Curly who has gone to visit Ugly Jud in the smokehouse shack he calls home. Handsome Curly strikes up some friendly chit chat along the lines of - 'Dude, nobody here appreciates whatever it is you have to offer. You know what you should do? Hang yourself! Then everyone will be totally bummed and realize how much they miss you. Seriously! It's going to be sweet!' Strangely, Ugly Jud takes offence to this idea and there is some (quote from wickedpedia) 'harmless gunplay'. Nothing so harmless as shooting off firearms...... Handsome Curly finally leaves, and Judd is left to his own thoughts. He sings about his poverty, his 'lonely room', and how he longs for a gal of his own. Bla bla bla Ugly Jo, you're the bad guy, no happy ending for you buddy!

Back at the farm Lust Laurie buys a 'magic potion' from Token Hakim which is meant to give her dreams of her true love. Hallucinogenic or date rape, the result is that (of course) she dreams of Handsome Curly and realizes that Ugly Jud is a little too crazy-on-edge (and ugly) for her liking. Unfortunately when she wakes it is too late to re-neg on the box social deal, so post nap she heads into town with Ugly Jud.

ACT TWO

The new act opens at the box social, with all the squeaky clean Oklahominites havin' themselves a darn tootin good time, and only ever arguing through the mediums of dance or song. After adequate amounts of both, the lunch auction begins. Lusty Lauries box (he he he) comes up and Handsome Curly is still hell bent on gettin' his woman so he puts up all his worldly possessions (gun, saddle, horse) as a bid. Cue gasps of shock/horror from the crowd. A cowboy ken without his accessories is just a ken, same as any other on the shelf! And even worse, without these bits and pieces his next employment/outfit will have to be a farmer! Oh well, anything for a happy ending.

Except.

Ugly Jud has been living on even less than usual for months, probably going without extravagances such as eating, just so he can put in a super bid to win the girl of his dreams. Handsome Curly can't out bid him and there is much public mutterings of discontent about the situation. In fact I would go as far as saying that the townsfolk are blatantly rude about their disappointment that Lusty Laurie has to go on a date with the poor smelly guy. However, this is good ole musical land and a deal is a deal, so off Lusty Laurie goes with Ugly Jud.

And the auction continues.....

Will McBrains has come up with another $50 (more stripping) for Ado Flirtalot's goods. Token Hakim realizes that by bidding $50 Will McBrains again will not have enough to take Ado Flirtalots hand in mindless matrimony. So he calculates just how much she is worth, and puts up a bid of $51 to be rid of her. Yep, that's all it took for Will McBrains to get his gal and Token Hakim to get a feed. Cue happy ending music (for them anyway) as the couple depart (not before singing another fantastic song of course!)

Meanwhile.

In one day Judd has escorted Lusty Laurie to the dance, won her 'lunch', and is now going to enjoy a (he hopes) romantic picnic with her. He decides (some would say justifiably) to confess his love for her. Needless to say he is a little hurt and maybe surprised by her total rejection of his suit. Stupidly, he then becomes angry at her which results in Lusty Laurie firing him from the family farm, effective immediately. In one day Ugly Jud has spent all of his savings, had his dreams crushed, and lost his job. Damn.

Lusty Laurie and Handsome Curly now reunite, and she soon sees the light that all she needs is a big strong man to make all her decisions for her for the rest of her life. Kissing and making up ensues, as does the predictably accepted marriage proposal.

3 weeks later it is the morning after the happy couples nuptials. Ugly Jud has gotten incredibly drunk, and decides to make a guest appearance. He starts a fight with handsome Curly, during which Ugly Jud pulls a knife, which he then 'falls' on. All the wedding guests then gather in the house to discuss what must be done. The judge (Ado Flirtalots trigger happy father) says that he feels a trial may be necessary. Lusty Lauries aunt Eller doesn't want any of that. She is anxious for the honeymoon to start so Lusty Laurie can start popping out some more farm hands. So through (again) the power of song she insists a makeshift trial must be held in her house, and then pretty much forces a 'not guilty' verdict.

This is followed by great merriment and dancing as Handsome Curly and Lusty Laurie ride off into the sunset and everyone forgets about the ugly corpse lying out in the corn fields for ever and ever.

The End

See!?!?! Who would want to miss a storyline like that? Love, action, drama. Pretty, ugly and ethnic people, musicals have it all. So those with this affliction, I urge you to go to your local DVD store and seek help. Start on an easy one, like some Disney movie which involves singing. Then work your way up to the good stuff, I would recommend ''7 Wives for 7 Brothers' for those looking for a really exciting ride.

x m

The story of Ganesh

So it all begins in the land of Hindu gods. Think tropical jungle, waterfalls, all of that good stuff, and maybe some magic looking mist floating around for the real 'god land' effect.

Firstly, we have Parvati, a mother goddess and by all accounts a hottie so picture a milf only make brightly coloured, hindu style. She is kind of married (I don't think they made it to the registry office) to the god Shiva. Shiva is a top god boss man, a creator as well as a destroyer so think of a VIP business man mixed with warrior and give him a few extra arms for good measure.

Being both a creator and a destroyer makes Shiva a busy man. Long hours, frequent work related trips, not much time at home. Needless to say Parvati is often lonely, especially when she wants a bath and there's no one to guard the door (hindu god land is apparently rife with demon perverts).

One day she decides she's had enough of dangerous bathing and decides that if Shiva isn't going to get down and dirty to provide her with a child\bathroom guard, she will just have to take matters into her own hands. Literally. You know when you are soaking in the tub and you rub your skin and a kind of dirty paste comes off? Well she mustn't have washed in quite a while because she gets enough of this stuff to sculpt a young boy. She breathes life into him (yes his first moments alive are his mum pashing him, but is this so much worse than our own entrance into life?) and presto chango, she has a son. Too easy.

She swans off to the bathroom leaving her new son Ganesh to guard the door.

In the mean time Shiva returns home to spend some time with his darling wife, and what a bonus, she's in the bath. Good times ahead. The only problem is that there's some young punk guarding the door who won't let him through ( remember Ganesh doesn't know this is his dad and visa versa.) Being a busy man with no time to waste on young fools Shiva draws his sword to do a little over-time destroying, and slay this kid. It's too bad for him that Parvati has created quite the fighter and that the slaying proves to be more difficult than he first thought.

There are different versions of exactly what went down next. One is that Shiva and Ganesh fought one on one (boring). In the comic book version that my dad gave me when I was young there was a massive battle with Shiva bringing his whole army and Ganesh kicking ass, thousands dead and blood and guts everywhere.I think we all know which version makes the better story.......

Anywho, the ending is the same in both accounts, (Shiva is after all top god) and he finally cuts off Ganesh's head. Finally he can enter the bathroom and maybe get a little post-slaughter loving.

Cue the incorrect buzzer noise.

Parvati is pissed off. Despite the fact she didn't notice the whole 'battle raging at her door' thing she is still not going to let Shiva off the hook for murdering the son he never knew he had. No doubt she summons all her goddess powers to give him an almighty ear full and lets him know that if he doesn't fix this then she is going to make sure that his precious time off will be a living hell. He begs forgiveness (Aw baaaaaabe, I'm sorry!) and promises to make it right. She reminds him that their son has no head. Tough situation.

Finally they come to the obvious solution. Parvati tells him to walk into the jungle and cut off the head of the first thing he sees and bring it back to fix up their darling boy. What she forgets is that when dealing with a weary and sexually frustrated man post battle\son slaying is is important to BE SPECIFIC. She really should have used the word person instead of thing.

Shiva runs off, eager to please, and the first thing that happens to cross his path is an Elephant. So Shiva does what he's told, off with it's head, and back to Parvati to make amends.

I feel that by this time Parvati is simply relieved that he didn't come back with a leg or a twig so she happily takes the elephant's head, pops it on the corpse, breaths a little life, and voila! We have Ganesh and hopefully Shiva has a little loving.

And they all lived happily ever after.